I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. And we’ve had a pretty awesome marriage by most measures. But they say you’ll either fight about sex or money. And for us, it wasn’t money.
As depicted in so many movies and television shows, his sex drive was higher and mine was lower. And although sex was good when we had it, the frequency wasn’t enough for him. So, every six to twelve months, we’d sit down and have “the talk”. We’re creative people, so after careful deliberation, we’d always come up with a sure-fire plan to remedy the situation.
Sometimes a sexy vacation could reignite the passion. Sometimes we’d decide that having sex a certain day of every week would totally solve our problem. And of course, we always knew that once I got off birth control, or our son was in school, or I had a job that I loved… things would get better. The problem was, all of those things eventually happened, and my libido didn’t know she was supposed to magically become Jessica Rabbit.
So just over 12 months ago, my husband asked me to talk to my OB. I agreed because despite fully believing there was nothing that could change the way I was, I worried that despite our other successes, this issue could eventually end our relationship.
My OB confirmed that nothing was wrong with my hormones and what limited drugs were available are not proven to be effective anyway. She followed up by saying low desire is a very common problem that can sometimes be addressed with the help of a therapist. Huzzah! I left already feeling like I wasn't alone and that maybe, just maybe, there was something better on the other side.
My husband and I eventually found someone to help me redefine my understanding and connection with my own sexuality and help us explore what we both wanted from our sexual relationship. The 12 months since that first appointment have been simultaneously difficult, breathtakingly empowering and quite simply, transformational.
Along the way, I began sharing my story with a private group of friends on Facebook. The outpouring of “Me too!” and “I have that same issue, but reversed between my husband and myself” and “Can I give you a hug?” made me realize that this story needs to be shared further. Because it’s time to start a movement. A movement to encourage each other to lead the sex lives that we want to live.
And that’s why I’ve started a blog about sex.
New to this blog and want to keep reading? Check out the next post about why I named this blog "Down To There".
This blog reflects my real-life experiences. I'd love to hear about your experiences, so let’s continue the conversation in the comments section below.
You can also check out these resources or email me at email@example.com if you are interested in classes or coaching to explore your own sexuality. I am a sex and relationship coach and if I can't personally help you, I'd be very happy to connect you with other wonderful sex educators, coaches and therapists.
© Pam Costa, 2015