A few hours before my date, I texted him. “What do you think about placing an artificial constraint on our evening?” He wrote back immediately, “What did you have in mind?”
I had been daydreaming about when we were back in college, on a road trip with our friends, and had stealthily made out in the back seat. In that scenario, we were forced to be quiet. And it was so hot. Which made me wonder what would happen if we voluntarily imposed constraints.
In addition to being hot, I thought it might play well with a few things I’d been noticing recently about my sexuality.
The first is that transition is a real thing for me. I know some people can spontaneously and quickly access a desire for sex. But this is definitely not my experience. It takes awhile for me to transition from whatever I am doing before sex, to actually being present in the act of sex.
The second thing I’d been noticing is that the standard definition of sex – Penis-In-Vagina – is a sadly limiting definition. Nothing against PiV… it’s great. But if I’m honest, my most favorite parts of sex often have nothing to do with PiV.
Maybe artificial constraints could a) kick start my transition before we even got together on our date and b) shift the emphasis during our encounter towards non-PiV activities.
I responded to him, “What would you think about keeping everything on the table EXCEPT penetration?”
He quickly replied, “Shall we set out some accessories to inspire our creativity?”
Ooh! I hadn’t thought about accessories… how fun! In the past few years, I’d become a big fan of vibrators. But, vibrators were also increasingly being incorporated into our regular sex life, and tonight felt like a fun opportunity to try something new.
I suddenly remembered that a package from Amazon had just arrived. Could it be the bottle warmer I bought to heat up massage oil like they do at the fancy spas?!? Yes it was! Accessory selection complete.
My insides were already starting to get all tingly.
Before we went out to dinner, I made a big show of plugging in the bottle warmer and setting the massage oil inside. Dinner conversation definitely veered on the sexier side and I was feeling pretty darn proud of my transition prowess. I was not only better understanding how my body worked, but I was leveraging the hell out of that knowledge!
It was a quick and tension-filled ride home. When we got inside, I turned up the heat on the bottle warmer. My insides were in full-on party mode.
We took turns discovering the delight of dripping not just warm, but practically hot oil onto each others bodies. We quickly discovered that although we probably didn’t need to use more oil, neither of us wanted to stop lathering more on. I’m pretty sure this conundrum is exactly why God invented washing machines.
After we were suitably drenched, I looked up at him with a devilish grin and said “You know… coconut oil is edible.” He looked like he had died and gone to heaven. Which was kind of fun because I was nervous that his pleasure would be somewhat diminished by excluding penetration from our menu of options. In reality, it appeared that this was as much fun for him as it was for me! Win-win!
As the night began to wind down, and were snuggling in a ridiculously large puddle of oil, we giggled about how constraints can really create a unique and supercharged experience. Which of course led us to brainstorm ideas for future constraints.
What if we limited our activities to anything we could do to each other with our clothes on? Or what if we were only able to touch each other with our mouths, and not our hands? Would it be fun to limit the direction of the touch for an encounter, so that only one of us was giving touch to the other?
Seems like an incredible list to crowdsource. #lessismore
P.S. The sex educator in me feels compelled to share that oil and oil-based lubricants will weaken latex condoms. #themoreyouknow
New to this blog and want to start at the beginning? Check out this post about why I started a blog about sex.
This blog reflects real-life experiences. I'd love to hear about your experiences, so let’s continue the conversation in the comments section below.
You can also check out these resources or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you are interested in classes or coaching to explore your own sexuality. I am a sex and relationship coach and if I can't personally help you, I'd be very happy to connect you with other wonderful sex educators, coaches and therapists.
© Pam Costa, 2019