This is the first in a series of reader-submitted stories about challenges and adventures in sex and relationships. Join the fun by sending your story to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Tell us a little about yourself and your relationship.
Jack: We’ve had a lot of fun in our 30+ year marriage, supporting each other in our careers, raising beautiful awesome kids, and now enjoying our empty nest.
Jill: We are not yet retired, but like to pretend that we are for little bits of time by traveling, hiking and cooking dinner together almost every night.
What struggles have you faced around sex and intimacy?
Jill: Mismatch of desire. I’m a feminist but had accidentally internalized certain societal messages about female sexuality. I thought of sex like chocolate: nice, but not necessary, an indulgence. I experienced desire inside a narrow window: during a sexual encounter initiated by my husband… never before, or after.
Jack: The fact that she never initiated made me feel undesirable. We never stopped having sex, but it got less frequent and more routine. We achieved our goals, but it wasn’t thrilling.
Where did you get the inspiration for the story you are about to share?
Jill: I had decided to start “dressing for dinner” to help me switch gears from my fast-paced work-mode to a slower-paced intimate-mode. I ordered a bunch of cheap, thin, slinky dresses, some of which were duds, but a few of which were beautiful and, I have to say, downright hot. Then it occurred to me. I could role-play a different woman for each dress. This is the story of the woman in the black dress.
Exciting! What happened?
Jill: Well, we had recently started to explore sensual activities without a focus on orgasm. The night some of my new dresses arrived, we had planned to do some light touch. I suggested that it might be fun to put on one of my new dresses and pretend I was someone else.
Jack: Which is funny because we’d read books that recommended role play, but, dammit Jim, I’m an engineer, not an actor. I didn’t really believe I could play a role or believe a role she was playing. But she was clearly into it, so why not give it a try?
Jill: [Laughing]. So, I put on a slinky black dress, with literally nothing on underneath, and decided this woman was going to have boundaries that made her hesitant to “go very far.” I entered the bedroom, walked up to him and whispered: “Thank you for choosing me.” It was a random bit of half-baked fiction, but it worked.
Jack: I loved that moment. It made me feel like I had picked her up at a club. When she told me that she might have boundaries, it really made me want to seduce her!
Jill: As he began to touch my arms, hair and jawline with a lighter-than-feather touch, I felt nervous and excited. We kissed, lightly. He tried to slip one strap off my shoulder, twice. I loved every second of it, but remembering my character, I gently pulled the strap back up.
Jack: Since it was clear I wasn’t getting inside that dress from the top, I responded by slipping my hand down to her ankle, slowing pushing the dress up past her knees and nudging her thighs to spread her legs apart. At this point, I could really see the benefit of role playing. I’d have to be more respectful of boundaries with someone I had just met, but since this was actually my wife, I knew I could just go for it.
Jill: Things got out of hand at that point. When the dress came off, I thought “That went well, now let’s have sex.” But turns out, the role play was not over. Before penetration, he excused himself for a moment and came back with a condom! [Giggles]
Jack: I had not used a condom in 30+ years (we have them for toys) and have never been able to achieve orgasm with one. But, in that role play, looking into her eyes as I slowly broke all of the rules, I nearly came on the spot.
Holy hot. Who knew role play could be so effective, huh?
Jack: I’m really very surprised at how real it all felt. I still don’t think that we would be able to sit down, plan out a scenario and then act it out. And yet, with almost no planning, minimal props, and no change of venue, the result was incredibly erotic. Who knew?
What’s next on your list of things to explore?
Jill: I have more dresses that he hasn’t seen.
Jack: I’m eager to meet the other girls. I hear they are all different.
New to this blog and want to start at the beginning? Check out this post about why I started a blog about sex.
This blog reflects real-life experiences. I'd love to hear about your experiences, so let’s continue the conversation in the comments section below.
You can also check out these resources or email me at email@example.com if you are interested in classes or coaching to explore your own sexuality. I am a sex and relationship coach and if I can't personally help you, I'd be very happy to connect you with other wonderful sex educators, coaches and therapists.
© Pam Costa, 2016