One day, my company started giving out free ice cream. And not just once, but Every Single Day. You are probably thinking, “Jackpot!” And it was amazing at first. But one weekend, my son asked to go out for ice cream and my stomach rolled over and I actually said out loud “Please, no more ice cream.” Because after having it five days in a row, I’d had enough. I just didn’t crave it anymore.
A similar phenomenon happened in my sex life with my partner of 20 years. His desire was higher than mine, so he initiated sex more frequently than I would otherwise crave it. And though I enjoyed sex when we had it, over the course of time I rarely had the opportunity to spontaneously feel and connect with my desire of my own accord.
This is a very painful state. Here I was deeply in love with my husband, but completely out of touch with that warm little tingle “down there”. You know, the tingle that causes your voice to hoarsen, your eyes to spark and generally bring that good old-fashioned lusty love to your relationship. And my disconnectedness sadly did not go unnoticed by my husband who began to wonder if I was attracted to him at all.
So about a year ago, after much conversation, we started seeing a sex coach who encouraged me to increase my awareness of my desire. There were the little seemingly simple things like noticing the feeling of the fabrics on my skin as I got dressed in the morning, and the sensations of the water and soap in the shower.
And there were more overtly sexual things like reading erotica and noticing what passages or scenes turned me on, or watching romantic Hollywood blockbusters with special attention to the intensity between characters and what that did to me “down there”.
Funny thing is, after a few days of this… warm little tingles start popping up everywhere for me. The really rough part of the road on my bike ride home was suddenly more, um, temperature-raising. That guy smiling at me across the train unexpectedly made my stomach flutter. It was really crazy.
On his end, my husband felt helpless. He wanted to DO something, and all I was asking him to DO was to give me room to explore my own desires outside of the demands of his. Though I was aware it was frustrating to him, this space empowered me to reconnect with myself, and eventually with him.
Reflecting back, it's actually a little ironic. I thought that to increase my desire, I'd need to follow his lead. But what worked even better for us was letting me take the lead. To actively reconnect with that warm little tingle and, shockingly, start initiating more of the sex in our relationship. And that my friends, is way better than an endless supply of free ice cream.
New to this blog and want to start at the beginning? Check out this post about why I started a blog about sex.
This blog reflects my real-life experiences. I'd love to hear about your experiences, so let’s continue the conversation in the comments section below.
You can also check out these resources or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you are interested in classes or coaching to explore your own sexuality. I am a sex and relationship coach and if I can't personally help you, I'd be very happy to connect you with other wonderful sex educators, coaches and therapists.
© Pam Costa, 2015