Are you caught in a negative cycle with your partner? Do you struggle with knowing or communicating how you feel and what you need? Do you have a good relationship, but want to make it even better? Are you experiencing low desire, erectile dysfunction or challenges with some other aspect of your sexuality or sexual function?

I’m Pam Costa, and I have faced similar challenges in my own relationship of over 20 years. After seeing a sex and relationship coach and discovering how much personal and relationship transformation was possible through this work, I decided to take a bold risk and shift from a career in high tech at Apple and Facebook to a career in sex and relationship coaching. And I'm so glad I did, because I love this work.

In my role as a coach, I help individuals and couples explore how challenges in relationship can offer unexpected pathways to increased intimacy and connection. My approach is collaborative and experiential which means rather than just talking about what is going on, I’ll offer suggestions during our sessions to try something different in the moment to see what can be learned. I don’t believe there is any one right way to be in relationship, but I am interested in helping you discover what is uniquely right for you.

I received my M.A. in Holistic Counseling Psychology from John F Kennedy University and have been trained in process psychotherapy at the Process Therapy Institute. In addition to my general marriage and family therapy training, I have over 1,500 hours of training specifically in the field of sexuality via the Somatica Institute, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR), the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) and various sex therapists including Melissa Fritchle, LMFT, Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D. and Esther Perel, LMFT. My education includes a focus on marginalized communities including trans, bisexual, genderqueer and non-monogamous, open and polyamorous communities.

In addition to coaching couples and individuals, I am a writer, speaker and researcher. You can learn more about my story and my research by listening to my TEDx talk on Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire or some of my other speaking engagements including Wisdom 2.0, Inman and fireside chats with groups of women about intimacy and connection. 

You can also check me out on Huffington Post, Mindful, Psyched, Bustle and Men’s Health or listen to my podcast guest appearances on Sex With Emily about desire discrepancy and open relationships, Tom Joyner and Jacque Reid's Morning Show, Jessa Zimmerman’s The Better Sex Podcast, Melissa Risso's Let's Do It, August McLaughlin's Girl Boner, Kerri Miller's Smart Sex, Dr. Nazanin Moali's Sexology, Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey’s Sex Spoken Here, Esther Boykin and Erica Turner’s With That Being Said, and John F Kennedy University's Thursday Soapbox.

I see clients out of my office in Cupertino, CA as well as over Skype. If you are interested in sex coaching, please reach out to me at or 1-650-887-4751.


New to this blog and want to start at the beginning? Check out this post about why I started a blog about sex.